I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
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just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
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He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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