I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
