Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We are two peas in an std pod
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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