Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
