I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
