he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
3 2 1 whiskey
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
