3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
