just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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