thus making me awesome and them whores
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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