and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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