Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
