She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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