You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
