My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
