Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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