my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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