Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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