you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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