I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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