Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
