Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Actions speak louder than pants.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
