My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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