So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize