my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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