Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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