final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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