So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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