Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
