I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
