Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
high people should be assigned attendants
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
