i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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