I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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