I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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