in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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