Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
