Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
