It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
