My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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