i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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