i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
