There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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