the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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