I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
