I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
