For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Found the puke drawer
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
