I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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