it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
