if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My dick has a subreddit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
