HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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