No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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