So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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