PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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