I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
