I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
