Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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