I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
