Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
