hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
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just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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