she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
