i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
