I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
be right there i have to get my cape
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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